Every two weeks, I read about what parents share regarding the challenges of raising their boys. As responsible members of society, they genuinely want to make a positive change in the world around them. Yet, the ongoing debate about “how to raise boys” feels fundamentally misconceived and misguided. The premise suggests that boys are naturally different: Difficult, aggressive, and problems-in-the-making. This view is not accurate. Boys, just like girls, are simply children.
We are already in the error zone once we start applying different parenting rules for boys and girls. Boys are neither monsters nor angels. They are children. Wonderful children. Both boys and girls are young, naive, curious individuals who need love, space, care, and freedom from gender stereotypes. Like girls, they need guidance, including education about sex.
As an academic paediatrician and a father of two now-adult children, here is my perspective:
It is all about childhood experiences
Boys are not born aggressive or entitled. They learn those behaviours. Decades of research (including the landmark study on Adverse Childhood Experiences) show that both boys and girls act out when they are hurt, ignored, or spoiled. A boy’s punch and a girl’s tantrum stem from the same roots: Frustration and feeling unheard.
Society often tells boys to “man up” when they are sad or scared, teaching them to bottle up emotions until they explode as anger. Boys are not naturally aggressive. They are conditioned that way. If we let them cry, talk, and ask for help like anyone else, they will grow into healthier, more balanced adults. That is true for girls as well.
They show us a mirror
The hard truth is that rude, selfish, or bullying behaviour in your child — a boy or a girl — usually mirrors what they see at home. Children copy adults. They show you a mirror. If you scream, they will scream. If you hit, they learn to hit. If you gossip about a neighbour, they will mock a classmate. If you treat service staff like inferiors, they will believe they deserve special treatment.
Boys are not born disrespectful. They pick these traits up from adults who say, “Don’t cry like a girl” or expect girls to clean up. Effective parenting is not about fixing the child. It is about fixing yourself. Work on you, not just the child.
Model good behaviour
It’s all about modeling good behaviour, not preaching. Children, boy or girl, are excellent at gauging your belief system. Choose an apple over fries. Let them see healthy choices. Share chores. Show that respect for women is non-negotiable. Admit mistakes and apologise. Demonstrate humility and compassion. Help an elderly neighbour; guide someone across a busy street. Teach kindness by example.
Lend a hand where you can. Values are not lectured. Children see their parents as their role models. Children, whether boys or girls, come to this world with a clean slate. A child raised with genuine kindness today reflects the same timeless principles that have shaped children for centuries.
Boys are not villains or monsters
When we label boys as potential monsters or obsess over “toxic masculinity,” we are being biased and unfair to them. Boys can be tender, creative, and empathetic. They already are. They can also fail, cry, and get frustrated. It is part of growing up.
We label them “problems,” and they become one. They are not predators but innocent kids, like girls, who deserve the freedom to be themselves without a stereotype suffocating them.
Raise humans, not boys
Raising boys is not complicated. It is no different from raising girls. It remains the same today as it was a century ago. It is not an engineering problem to solve. It is a human problem. Nourish them with love, not stereotypes. Give children a safe space to be soft, to speak up, and to feel heard. Be yourself, and they learn that everyone commits mistakes. Show them respect in every interaction, not because it is socially expected, but because it is simply the right thing to do. Practise timeless values yourself.
We should stop treating raising a boy like taming a tiger. They are simply children. Naughty, messy, fun-loving, and creative. Raise them well, and they will become men who respect women, parents, the elderly, the poor, and the weak. They will learn to manage their emotions responsibly, and strive to make the world a better place. Not because they are boys but because they are inherently good people.
The writer is professor of Paediatrics, AIIMS, New Delhi
